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Friday, June 11, 2010
Characteristics of Success - 'Life Skills' Part 12Welcome back and I hope your work week is coming to an end and you are preparing
for a wonderful weekend. For those that have been 'faithful' readers of my blog, thanks for joining me once again. If
you are new, welcome and to catch you up we have been exploring 'Characteristics of Success' and our latest
series is on 'Life Skills'. We began this series on Friday, May
14th, and established that although the last 20 months or so have been very difficult for most businesses, a positive trend has emerged. This trend seems to be that more and
more companies are making their 'Training & Development' focus: 'Work/Home
Life Balance or Life Skills' type training.
The first six traits or attributes we have explored in our previous posts were:
#1. 'Never Ever Stop Dreaming'
#2. 'Transparancy'
#3. 'Authenticity'
#4. 'Strength of Character'
#5. 'Face your Fears'
#6. 'Honesty'
The next trait we
are about to explore is:
#7. 'Life Choices'. As we
continue our exploration of 'Life Skills'Traits we start to sense a deep connectedness and intertwining of
them. There seems to be an ebb and flow back and forth between them that is almost seamless and we begin to have 'chicken
- egg' questions......which comes first. I think the real key is not which comes first or which drives or impels another trait
forward but to understand, appreciate and apply these traits in our personal and professional lives on a regular basis.
Every day we are faced with different 'Life Choices'......some
are easy and some are very, very hard. The interesting concept that we all need to understand is that the 'SUM' of all
our small and large 'Life Choices' contribute to making us the person we now and will be in the future. As I was thinking
about how to illustrate this trait I was provided the example by my great friend David MacPherson. David sent me this email
earlier in the week and I was deeply moved by it's message and implications to our topic today.
I don't know who
wrote this originally and would be happy to give them credit. I also know after reading this that the original author
wouldn't care who got the credit but would hope that the following words challenged all of us to think about and make the
correct 'Life Choices' in our daily professional and personal interactions.......enjoy
the thoughts:
Two Choices
What would
you do...you make the choice. Don't look for a punch line, there isn't one. My question is: Would you have made the same
choice?
At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities, the father of one
of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated
staff, he offered a question:
'When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does, is done
with perfection.
Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do.
He cannot understand things as
other children do.
Where is the natural order of things in my son?'
The audience was stilled by the
query.
The father continued. 'I believe that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes
into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that
child.'
Then he told the following story:
Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew
were playing baseball. Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?' I knew that most of the boys would not want someone
like Shay on their team, but as a father I also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed
sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.
I approached one of
the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're
losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat
in the ninth inning.'
Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. I watched
with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted.
In the bottom
of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.
In the top of the ninth inning,
Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be
in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands.
In the bottom of the
ninth inning, Shay's team scored again.
Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was
on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.
At this moment, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance
to win the game?
Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because
Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.
However, as Shay stepped up
to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved
in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact.
The first pitch came and Shay swung
clumsily and missed.
The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.
As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.
The game would
now be over.
The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman.
Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.
Instead, the pitcher threw the ball
right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates.
Everyone from the stands and both teams started
yelling, 'Shay, run to first! Run to first!'
Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first
base.
He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.
Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to
second!'
Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base.
By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball... the smallest guy on their team who
now had his first chance to be the hero for his team.
He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the
tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's
head.
Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.
All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay'
Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop
ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third! Shay, run to third!'
As Shay
rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!'
Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his
team.
'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring
a piece of true love and humanity into this world'.
Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter,
having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little
hero of the day!
AND NOW A LITTLE FOOT NOTE TO THIS STORY:
We all send thousands of jokes through the
e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people hesitate.
The
crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed
in our schools and workplaces.
If you're thinking about forwarding this message, chances are that you're probably
sorting out the people in your address book who aren't the 'appropriate ones to receive this type of message Well, the person
who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference. We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help
realize the 'natural order of things.’
So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present
us with a choice:
Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up those opportunities and
leave the world a little bit colder in the process?
A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats
it's least fortunate amongst them.
You now have two choices:
1. Forget the message or 2. Forward
this blog for others to read. May your day, be a Shay Day.
Please take the time to think about the 'Life Choices'
you make every day, Why not determine that this weekend and from now on you will look for opportunities to make
a 'Life Choice'......small or big......that you KNOW will impact someone
else in a positive and up-lifting way!
Why not take the challenge and send this blog link to others or hit the
'SHARE' button at the top of this page. Please don't let the 'approval or dissapproval' of others impact your 'Life Choices', face your fears and share this story with others. If we all
can learn to live our lives honestly and truthfully, to be 'Authentic' by facing our
fears and making choices that impact others positively, then we will begin to truly live and become the
person we were deeply intended to be. Why not decide to make a 'LIFE CHOICE',
that from now on, for you, every day is going to be 'A Shay Day'.....That type of CHOICE, you would
never, ever regret.....you simply wouldn't!
I'll see you again on Monday as we continue to explore
the next trait/attribute in our 'Life Skills' series. Have a great weekend and as always, thanks for listening/reading
and remember to:
'Dream Big and Dare to Fail!'
(Again I would love to hear what 'characteristics/skills/traits'
you believe should be incorporated into the 'Life Skills' series. What
do YOU think are key 'Life Skills' necessary to not only 'survive
but thrive' in today's personal and professional world. Whether you have one idea or a whole list please hit the comment
button underneath this post or email me your thoughts. Holland@HollandMeads.com Also if you have just joined us and would
like to 'catch-up' on previous posts please hit the 'archive' buttons or this link will take you to the beginning of this
series http://www.hollandmeads.com/2010.05.16_arch.html Monday May 17th 2010 )
9:57 am edt
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Characteristics of Success - 'Life Skills' Part 11Welcome back and I hope you are having a great work week. For those
new to the blog we have been exploring 'Characteristics of Success' and our latest series is on 'Life Skills'. We began this series on Friday, May 14th, and established
that although the last 20 months or so have been very difficult for most businesses, a positive trend has emerged. This trend seems to be that more and more companies are making their 'Training
& Development' focus: 'Work/Home Life Balance or Life Skills' type
training.
The first five traits
or attributes we have explored in our previous posts were:
#1. 'Never Ever Stop Dreaming'
#2. 'Transparancy'
#3. 'Authenticity'
#4. 'Strength
of Character'
#5. 'Face your Fears'
The
next trait we are about to explore I find very interesting in that it is what I would call a 'Black and White' trait.
You either do it or you don't, there really by definition isn't any middle ground. We want everyone to practice it, we teach
it to our children but then we practice personally and professionally on a discretionary basis. We would all agree this trait
should be included in our 'Life Skills' list however we all also realize
that it is practiced and taught with a certain amount of ambiguity in it's application and no-one, I mean 'NO-ONE'
practices this trait all the time.......are you ready......the trait is:
#6.
'Honesty'
Let's once again begin our discussion by referring to Webster to give
us some parameters and a launching point: 'Webster' defines 'Honesty' as: 'The qualities of uprightness
and fairness, truthfulness, sincerity, or frankness, freedom from deceit or fraud.
Now
before we discuss the definition and life application of this word I want to spend a little time talking about it's ambiguity
of practice. I may jump around a little but stay with me and hopefully we can connect the thoughts. Think about this........we
want our children to 'Tell the truth'.....in essence 'Be honest'. So when we 'catch them' doing something wrong what is the
first thing we ask them: 'Tell me the truth......did you do XYZ?' Now understand the ambiguity here.......we ask them to tell
the truth......but thy also know if they do.....there is a consequence. (Which would YOU do......tell the truth.....get punished.....or
lie and maybe not get punished?)
Now before some of the parents and grandparents start flying off emails to me
about the importance of teaching responsibility and character to our children I am here to say I thoroughly agree with you
on three points that tie to what I said above: #1. We need to be honest all the time. (To lead by example) #2. We need
to teach our children to be honest in their dealings and conversations with others. and #3. There are consequences to our
actions in life and sometimes no matter how sorry we are or how repentant, there are still consequences to our actions
and we have to learn to face those squarely. ( I understand I am free to jump off the roof of my house......I also understand
that once I do I am not free anymore but subject to the 'natural law' of gravity......a consequence......me being sorry and
repentant for jumping doesn't change the consequence.)
So I realize the importance of being honest and teaching
honesty to our children especially in right and wrong circumstances. Now let's further explore the ambiguity of how we teach
honesty. When we are young we are told to be honest.....then it happpens. We are at someone's house and they ask us: 'How
we liked the dinner?' Watch mom and dad squirm when their five year old said it wasn't very good at all and Mom makes a better
version of that meal. Watch the cover-up and spin-doctoring that takes place then. On the way home I can hear the discussion
with little 'Johnny' that yes we want you to be 'Honest' but there are times to be 'Honest' and times to 'sway the truth
a little'. We position it by saying : 'We don't want to hurt so-and-so's feelings so that is why we weren't completely
honest and said it was good.' .....the ambiguity begins.....
Folks we have all been there, even as adults at a party where what the host or hostess served was terrible but
we complimented them on it anyway and when it was time to go they packed us a large 'to-go' box......of which we thanked them
graciously and stopped at a gas station on the way home to dispose of it quickly. Think about how these lessons carry into
adulthood.......'Do I look fat in this outfit? Does this color look good on me? Do you like my haircut?.........
One of the other ways this transfers into adulthood is the continued need for 'parental' approval for the choices
we make. Think about how many times we 'run' ideas by our parents knowing they aren't going to approve. The reasons they might
not approve may have nothing to do with the choice or decision and it's application to you but may have everything to do with
it goes against a belief or paradigm they hold. An example of this might be a father or mother who wants their child
to 'take over the family business' and the child has 'no interest' in doing it. Mom or dad asks them for their honest opinion..........when
or if they do share it........they know they will suffer the wrath of their parents and end up disappointing, people
they love. How many times is that 'parental' pressure so strong that the grown child still can't stand up to them, be honest
and share what they want to really do.
One of the beauties of my parents is that I can honestly say they weren't
like that. However, I hear parents all the time subtly and not so subtly pressuring their grown adult children in all types
of ways.........to move closer to home......to have children so they can be grand parents.....to follow a certain career
path that a parent had pursued......to date a certain person.....or to not date someone......to get married......to stay
married and not divorce even though getting out of the relationship is the healthiest thing that child could do....As Parents
we say this: 'I want you to be honest with me......be truthful'. Then if the child's truthful or honest response isn't what
we want or expect we often times make them suffer the 'verbal consequences' of disapproval. Sometimes parents end up so disapproving
of a truthful answer an adult child gives that they make the child pay by 'throwing them under the verbal abuse
bus', dad driving and mom happily navigating. (Sorry for my honesty and candor.....but you KNOW I'm telling the truth......if
the shoe fits....wear it!)
Now I know this sounds harsh but I hear the subtle and not so subtle comments from
parents all the time. Watch when a grown child comes home with a person thay are dating and in love with whom the parents
don't approve. Watch the pressure brought on that grown child. Parents ask them to be honest but they really don't want honesty
do they. They don't want you to be honest, they want you to say 'What THEY WANT TO HEAR.....PERIOD!' They don't
want 'honesty', they want you to agree with their paradigm and opinion.
Now I realize this sounds very,
very harsh and I'm sorry. I know there are a lot of wonderful kind, honest parents and individuals out there who would never,
ever do some of the things I've alluded to.....but I think if you're honest you would agree with what I have shared and seen
it in play first hand. I want to share one more observation. I have been divorced for over five years and my two daughters
have spent every other week with their dad for the last five years. Recently their mother Diane and step-dad John approached
me with some news: Diane had been offered a wonderful job opportunity.......in Seattle Washington.
After we discussed
it, we all agreed it would be the best move for her, John and the girls; so effective June 26th of this year they will move
3000 miles away from their dad. Now I don't want to belabor the point.....I will deeply miss them and they will miss me but
I KNOW in my heart of hearts it is the BEST move for them.....it is!......Does it seem to meet my needs right now......no.....but
I still KNOW it is right for them. I have told many friends this story over the last several months and I have been amazed
how many said this: I couldn't/wouldn't allow it! How could you let them go? I would miss them too much. Aren't you going
to miss them. (Duh......of course!)
I'm also realizing that dad isn't going to be a day-to-day presence in
their lives anymore but John is.......He is really going to be their DAD! I had a dinner party the other week and this topic
came up and I heard all the usual comments. I had a young adult ask me how I was doing with them moving out there with John.
I said I am ok and happy with the choice and then went on to explain I feel John is in their life for a very good,
deep life reason. I know that John has skills and abilities I don't have, nor will I ever have and he has much to
give to the girls. I honestly think his skills and abilities are what the girls need in their lives right now. John will
equip them for life in some way that I am not able to period, I believe that to the bottom of my core. As I shared this
explanation I watched people's mouths drop in disbelief. One person was bold enough to say I wish my dad could look at
my step-dad that way....he hates him. (For that I am sorry!)
Let's try and tie the thoughts together by referring
back to how 'Webster' defines 'Honesty' as: 'The qualities of uprightness
and fairness, truthfulness, sincerity, or frankness, freedom from deceit or fraud
My
friends I realize that there is a fine line between honesty and 'discretion'. I know there are times in life where we want
and need to keep our mouths buttoned up in order to not hurt someone's feelings.......I know and get that. I also know that
creates a tremendous 'push-pull' for us to deal with on a daily basis. When do we tell the truth and be honest.......when
do we say nothing or when do we tell a 'little white lie' to protect ourselves or someone else. That is the multi-million
dollar question.....but I will also say this, in our overly sensitive world of political correctness one of the attributes/traits
that has seemed to diminish greatly is honesty and candor.
I guess here is my point: We all appreciate
some who 'TELLS IT LIKE IT IS!'. It might make us cringe every now and then......we might go yikes, that's going to leave
a mark.....but we know above all else they were honest and candid. We might not agree or may have phrased it differently but
none-the-less we respect their candor.
I think one of the hardest things about being 'Transparent and Authentic'
is realizing that to be and live these traits we have to be brutally honest. When we live by this policy and are honest
we also many times face the disapproval of others. That disapproval can be so strong and harsh depending who it comes from
that we might 'waffle' and not want to truly speak our mind. The opinions of others and what they think and express about
us is so important to us that when face with the stark reality of being 'honest and truthful' with them or telling them what
they want to hear.......we know which CHOICE normally wins out.
However, if we truly want to be 'Transparent and
Authentic' we have to make honesty and truthfullness one of our staples of conduct.....no matter who approves or dissapproves
of our CHOICES. The bottom line is this......I only have to give an account of one life......mine. How I conduct it and the
CHOICES I make need to be true to my heart and life and honest to the core. If they are.....I think that in the end....that's
all people ever really want from us.......honesty.......whether they agree or not.
I will leave you with this thought.......over
the next few days think about the term 'Honesty' and ask yourself this: Are you conducting yourself professionally and personally
in your conversations and what you do with Honesty? Do these words describe you on a daily and moment-by-moment basis: 'Uprightness and fairness, truthfulness, sincerity, or
frankness, freedom from deceit or
fraud'
Please take the time to think about what are the fears holding you back from
embracing this trait in your day-to-day life......is it the pressure of other people's opinions.....their disagreement........are
you trying to 'not' hurt someone's feelings....or gain their approval?.....What is it? Truthfully, peel back the
layers and examine to what extent you embrace this trait. Is there is an area of your life where you aren't being 'truthful'?
What not determine what and why that is and then make a DECISION/CHOICE to be honest. Remember, by continuing to allow
the 'approval or dissapproval' of others impact how 'honestly and truthfully' we live our lives ends up only hurting
ourselves and stifling our ability to be the person we were deeply intended to be. Why not 'Face your Fears'.....it is worth the journey....it
really is!
I'll see you again on Friday as we continue to explore the next trait/attribute in
our 'Life Skills' series. Have a great week and as always, thanks for listening/reading and remember to:
'Dream
Big and Dare to Fail!'
(Again I would love to hear what 'characteristics/skills/traits' you believe should be incorporated
into the 'Life Skills' series. What do YOU think
are key 'Life Skills' necessary to not only 'survive but thrive'
in today's personal and professional world. Whether you have one idea or a whole list please hit the comment button underneath
this post or email me your thoughts. Holland@HollandMeads.com Also if you have just joined us and would like to
'catch-up' on previous posts please hit the 'archive' buttons or this link will take you to the beginning of this series http://www.hollandmeads.com/2010.05.16_arch.html Monday May 17th 2010 )
3:16 pm edt
Monday, June 7, 2010
Characteristics of Success - 'Life Skills' Part 10Welcome Back! I hope you enjoyed your weekend and are having a great
begining of your work week. For those new to the blog we have been exploring 'Characteristics of Success' and
our latest series is on 'Life Skills'. We began this series on
Friday, May 14th, and established that although the last 20 months or so have been very difficult for most businesses,
a positive trend has emerged. This trend seems to
be that more and more companies are making their 'Training & Development' focus: 'Work/Home
Life Balance or Life Skills' type training.
The first five traits or attributes we have explored in our previous posts were:
#1. 'Never Ever Stop Dreaming'
#2. 'Transparancy'
#3. 'Authenticity'
#4. 'Strength of Character'
#5. 'Face your Fears'
On Friday we introduced and explored the fifth trait or attribute I
feel is an essential 'Life Skill' which was the ability to 'Face our Fears'!
We established what a critical skill/ability this trait is and how important it is if we are going to Never
Ever Stop Dreaming, to live a Transparent life, be Authentic and have Strength of Character? We also discussed the purpose and basis of fear and why having a balanced view
of fear is a life skill that we need to protect us at times.
We established a partial list of fears
is endless and may include: Fear of disease, sickness or poor health, losing your job, of dying, of loneliness, of
uncertainty about the future, of failure, of what other people will say, of making decisions, of conflict, of heights,
of bugs, of falling, of rejection, of looking stupid or ignorant, of being judged, of losing your most important
relationships, of public speaking, of being poor, of success. In Friday's thoughts we also explored the following
tips/techniques that may help us combat fear: (Go to Friday June 4th's post to see more details.)
* Study the fear.
* Study others who are doing what you're
afraid to do. *
Sometimes we need to just confront and try what we are afraid of.
* Sometimes our fears are so embedded in our Psyche that we need a professional coach or
counselor.
* If we can change our thinking we can change
the way we act and behave.
*
Try and program more victorious thoughts into your everyday life.
* Creating a good offense puts fear on the defensive.
* If you are afraid to face your fear alone, why
not enlist a friend to help you, be with you or accompany you as you face this obstacle.
As I spent the weekend thinking about this discussion a couple more thoughts came to mind that I would like to share with
you today. I would like to use our time today to share two more tips that if implemented and developed on a consistent basis
will greatly help us deal with and face our fears. The first tip is:
* Learn to tune
out and not be afraid of the opinions of others. As I thought about fear over the
weekend I came face-to-face with this thought: 'Many of our fears are based on what other people think and say about us.'
(This is especially powerful if these people are good friends or family members.) Now my friends when I say learn
to tune-out and not be afraid of the opinions of others I am not saying to not seek counsel or advice from people that are
closest to us. We all need advice and we all need the input of others, as we all sometimes can't see the forest for the trees.
The insights/thoughts/opinions of those closest to us may provide us some wonderful help and clarity when we are struggling
with a decision/choice. So I am NOT advocating not seeking advice or NOT listening to the counsel of others.
I guess here is my point: I think there is a very difficult balancing act that seems to occur here that we need to
be aware of as we make our decisions/choices. When someone shares their 'opinion or thoughts' of what you should do in
a particular situation we need to constantly realize one thing: That is THEIR THOUGHT and OPINION which has been formulated
through their life and experiences. Now their life, experiences and opinion may have great relevance to your life and
what you are going through.........and guess what......it MAY NOT! I have seen over and over again people
share an OPINION for someone else's life and then the person sharing the opinion almost became indignant when the other
person (the recipient) didn't embrace their thoughts and ideas whole-heartedly. I have seen it cost friendships and place
family members against one-another.
As I have watched this un-fold countless times personally and in the lives
of others I have begun to learn this........When it comes to decisions for my life.......I will gather the thoughts and opinions
of wise-counsel but then I have to make my own decision, my way. Yes have I at times gone against the counsel of good friends
and family members only to have it come back and bite me.......did I end up realizing they were 'correct'......yes.......many
times........However I guess I view it as I didn't necessarily make the 'wrong' decision.....I had to make the decision my
way and if it was wrong.....learn to face my own mistakes.....I had to learn my way.
I have heard people
say all the time: 'I could've told you that was going to happen.......Why didn't you listen to me?' My friends,
none of us deliberately makes bad decisions just for the 'fun of it'......we don't enjoy hearing.....'I told you so!' I guess
with all this said I have come to a place in my life where if someone asks me my opinion, I will listen to understand but
then I will answer it based on what 'I' would do......not necessarily what they should do......but what
'I' would do if 'I' was in their situation. Recently a good friend came to me asking a 'financial'
question that involved buying a motorcycle. He really wanted it, had researched it and found a dealer with a good price. He
asked me if he should get it and then finance it.
When I answered him I answered it from 'MY Perspective'
not his. I said: I have made many mistakes with my money and am finally starting to learn to live within my means. I have
adopted this motto: If I can't pay cash for it......I don't buy it. I am working on paying off all my debts and getting to
the point of being debt free except for daily living expenses. It will take me several more years but I am totally committed
to being debt free.........so I said.......If I didn't have the cash.....I wouldn't buy it.
My friend listened
and ended up NOT buying the bike.......was that a 'correct' decision........I don't know.....it would've been for me but I
wouldn't have cared one way or the other had he decided to go through with it. My point is......all I can share is what I
would do based on my perspective.......my perspective is right for me......it may or may not be right for you. The challenge
is most people who share opinions do so with such a furor that they are often offended when their advice is not heeded and
the person makes a contrary decision.
This is where the 'FEAR' piece comes in......many of us value the relationships
so much that when we ask for these people's opinions we many times go with them.....not because they are correct for us but
because we are 'scared'. We are scared of hurting their feelings......we are scared of the backlash......How many times have
we heard someone say: 'Why did you ask my opinion if you weren't going to take it and use it.'.....Now we have all heard that
in our lives. The point is......it is their opinion and sometimes that opinion fits and sometimes it doesn't. The challenge
is that many of us have received such hard emotionally abusive responses from those closest to us that we are scared
to make a decision that they wouldn't approve of.......even if that decision is the absolute correct one for us.
The need for approval of others can be paralyzing when it comes to making life decisions for some of us. The fear and dread
invoked by the reaction oftentimes absolutely stymies the ability for people to make a decision. We fear the disapproval of
others two-fold: First we fear the response and subsequent abusive comments if we don't choose their way or method. Secondly, heaven
forbid if we do have the courage to make our own decision, face the abuse.....then it turns out the decision we choose didn't
work out as well as we hoped......then the 'I TOLD YOU SO's' start and then we don't know which is worse........the
abuse for not choosing their way or the subsequent 'I TOLD YOU SO' abuse.
The challenge from a
'Life Skill' perspective is to develop enough internal fortitude to listen to advice but then have the courage to make the
decision on your own, based on what YOU truly feel in your heart is right for you. Yes, sometimes we do that and it ends up
not turning out the way we had hoped.....folks that is part of life. We have all heard this statement: How do make good
decisions? You make them by experience? How do you get experience.......unfortunately many times it is through making
poor decisions! (You can't have one without the other.)
The second tip I would like to briefly explore is:
* Break the fear into small bites. Many times we fear things or tasks because they look
so big from our vantage point. Especially if you couple the decision with what we just discussed the 'disapproval' of others........all
of a sudden the item can grow exponentially larger. The challenge is to control our mind and thoughts enough to see and realize
that this big over-whleming item staring us in the face is just many small items that we have piled on top of each other.
Stacking all these little tasks coupled with the fear of what others will think of my decision many times make the situation
daunting, to say the least.
What we all have to do is step back from the forrest and all the trees and start to
view it more effectively as one small task after another. If we can step back from it long enough and learn to view these
situations this way then we can orchestrate a plan of attack. If you are tremendously out-of-shape the thought of going out
and running ten miles would be over-whelming. If you step back from it though and then decide to make your first attempt at
walking a quarter mile.....you can probably do that. Then you keep doing that until it feels comfortable and you increase
from there. Incremental increases, small steps are what we need to focus on.
Think about what big decisions are
in front of you? What are you scared of? Why not begin to break this big item down until you get into a piece that you feel
comfortable doing. Once you've done that piece then keep the momentum going forward by taking another step and another. You
will see two things start to happen: First you will see the additional steps beginning to get easier and then secondly; you
will gain momentum and begin to feel confident enough to bite off some larger more challenging pieces. Once your momentum
increases and you start attacking some bigger chunks, before you know it you will have moved through your fear and
accomplished something you never thought you would be able to do.
Why not take the next few days and re-visit some
of your dreams and aspirations. Please take the time to think about what are the fears holding you back from going
after them......is it the pressure of other people's opinions.....is the item too big? Honestly, peel back the layers and
examine why you are afraid of this particular item or area. Remember that old adage: How do you eat an elephant......one
bite at a time! Just hang in there and keep peeling back the layers until you get to the root of your fear. Once
you get there, then you'll see it as it is and you'll also know how to manage it and put it in it's place.
By
allowing the 'approval or dissapproval' of others and the 'size' of the task to take center stage we are only hurting
ourselves and stifling our ability to be the person we were deeply intended to be. Why not 'Face
your Fears'.....it is worth the journey....it really is! I'll see you again on Wednesday as
we continue to explore the next trait/attribute in our 'Life Skills' series. Have a great week and as always, thanks for listening/reading
and remember to:
'Dream Big and Dare to Fail!'
(Again I would love to hear what 'characteristics/skills/traits'
you believe should be incorporated into the 'Life Skills' series. What do YOU think are key 'Life
Skills' necessary to not only 'survive but thrive' in
today's personal and professional world. Whether you have one idea or a whole list please hit the comment button underneath
this post or email me your thoughts. Holland@HollandMeads.com Also if you have just joined us and would like to 'catch-up'
on previous posts please hit the 'archive' buttons or this link will take you to the beginning of this series http://www.hollandmeads.com/2010.05.16_arch.html Monday May 17th 2010 )
2:06 pm edt
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